Thursday, April 4, 2013

Sadness tonight

I'm sure I'll be feeling like my chipper self by tomorrow, but I need a place to vent and since it appears that absolutely no one reads this blog, I figure I may as well pour it out here.

I hope you don't mind, but I need to vent.  I'm not eloquent.  I don't necessarily have a talent for putting my thoughts down, but I do feel like if I don't express myself somewhat, I'll go to sleep crying, which isn't really how I want the day to end.  So, you know, bear with me.  It's not the end of the world.  It might feel like it, but I'm certain I'll survive.

Tonight I am lonely.  Not the kind of "I live in a lighthouse at the edge of the sea with no one in a 20 miles radius lonely."  It's a 21st Century kind of lonely. 

It's spending a lot of time on facebook, trying to connect with people who are busy with their own lives.  It's spending every weeknight alone because your husband works 2nd shift and you work 1st.  It's living 4 hours away from your family kind of lonely. 

It's also my own fault I don't have many friends.  Now, that's not to say that I'm not friendly with people.  I'm merely hard to be friends with.  I like space.  I like routines and switching things up makes me really uncomfortable.  Hence the not too many friends thing.  Most people want to get together and do stuff whereas most of the time, I'd prefer to be at home.  I've got nothing against them.  What I do have is a serious problem with my routine being messed up.  (Cause I am a toddler like that, I suppose.) 

I get sad because I don't know how to do my hair.  No one really ever taught me and I have this frizzy fine hair that just blows wherever it wants and it's not like I can just let it be.  If I end up doing something with it, it dang well better be absolutely perfect, or it is going to get ripped right back down and I'll just do it the way I always do.  

I'm sad because I wish my husband understood a few things about me.  I wish he knew I need to be supported sometimes.  He always comes off as if I am hassling him when I am sad or upset.  It's like he doesn't have time to listen to me.  Then, he'll end up sad too and I need to comfort him.  I love helping him and comforting him, but I want him to comfort me, too.  Isn't that how it is supposed to work?  I feel mean for saying this, but I feel like I get ripped off in the emotions department.  My feelings don't seem to count.
I know.  Boo-hoo, right?  Everyone's got problems.  

I've been so restless and unhappy this week.  The thought of going and doing things after work both spring with possibility and also seem to make me angry, for some reason.  I have a hard time making peace with myself.  I wonder if anyone else is like that.  Maybe it's just me.  I'm not sure. 

What are you really supposed to do when you're upset or mad?  I usually don't do anything, although I have to admit I'm more like my dad than I want to be.  I don't say anything, because if I did, it wouldn't make much sense... Honestly, when I'm mad at people I want to smack them, usually as hard as I possibly can.  So ladylike and polite.  Ugh.  Why did I have to be born with the natural mannerisms of a boorish oaf?  If it makes you feel any better, I've never actually smacked someone.  I would like to someday, though.  There are a lot of people who need a good smacking, right? 

The other day I was thinking about the whole 3 wishes with a genie in a bottle thing.  I thought maybe there would be a stipulation that you had to wish for unusual things.  I'm not exactly sure what all three wishes would be, but I know I'd like one of them to be that I'll never be tailgated again.  I want some sort of invisible force field around my car that literally makes it impossible to get too close.  That would be divine. 

I'm sad that I'll probably not really ever try anything new.  I know myself and how I work.  I'm too afraid and too stubborn to really get out there and try for something.  I don't like doing something new unless I know I will succeed.  I hate looking like a fool. I am prideful like that.

I have to laugh that I hate looking like a fool and then post a blog like this.  Oy vey.  I'm an idiot.

Anyway, enough ranting for one night. 

Please understand that my frustration level on just about everything is super high right now.  I'm just having a crappy week and I am tired and hurting and sad and feeling very alone and bitter. 

I won't feel like this forever.  I just have to get over it and realize that not everything in the world sucks. 

If you took the time to read this, a pat on the back to you.  Thanks for listening.  It's nice to know that someone took the time to do that.  I apologize if you now hate me. It's okay.  On nights like this, I don't like myself much, either.  lol 

Have a good day/evening, reader.  I hope that you are well and I pray that you are happy. 



  1. Praying for you Mandy. It is tough to be lonely. Really tough! Everyone needs to connect with people to some degree. It is hard to feel like you are giving all the time and not getting what you want and need in return. I don't really have any advice in the marriage stuff (:p) but maybe you two just need to reconnect - it must be tough working shifts. Maybe he just doesn't realise what you need from him. It is like the love languages thing. Plus if you are feeling down already it doesn't help. I get times when everything seems to be going wrong and I just want to pout and stamp my foot and cry about how unfair it all is. So grown up! :) I think we all go through phases like that. Just be kind to yourself - spoil yourself a little!

    Don't get too caught up in Facebook. Now, I love FB for the GMG stuff and keeping up with people who are far away but sometimes it gets me down as everyone else seems to have a more exciting life than me, they are all more interesting than me, and they are all more popular than me. It all starts to feel a lot like school! :) But really FB is presenting a "perfect" version of themselves a lot of the time - post the party but not the mountain of ironing still to do.

    So I have just rambled all over your blog!!

    Hope that tomorrow is a better day! x

    1. Thank you, Jenny. :) I appreciate your taking the time to comment. I was just having a really bad night. Most nights like that I need to just sleep and I seem to feel better in the morning!

      I agree with you totally about Facebook. It's easy to showcase the "perfect" you. :)

      Thanks for reading my crazy post and thanks even more for commenting on it. I hope you are having a good week so far. :)


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