Sadness tonight

I'm sure I'll be feeling like my chipper self by tomorrow, but I need a place to vent and since it appears that absolutely no one reads this blog, I figure I may as well pour it out here.

I hope you don't mind, but I need to vent.  I'm not eloquent.  I don't necessarily have a talent for putting my thoughts down, but I do feel like if I don't express myself somewhat, I'll go to sleep crying, which isn't really how I want the day to end.  So, you know, bear with me.  It's not the end of the world.  It might feel like it, but I'm certain I'll survive.

Tonight I am lonely.  Not the kind of "I live in a lighthouse at the edge of the sea with no one in a 20 miles radius lonely."  It's a 21st Century kind of lonely. 

It's spending a lot of time on facebook, trying to connect with people who are busy with their own lives.  It's spending every weeknight alone because your husband works 2nd shift and you work 1st.  It's living 4 hours away from your family kind of lonely. 

It's also my own fault I don't have many friends.  Now, that's not to say that I'm not friendly with people.  I'm merely hard to be friends with.  I like space.  I like routines and switching things up makes me really uncomfortable.  Hence the not too many friends thing.  Most people want to get together and do stuff whereas most of the time, I'd prefer to be at home.  I've got nothing against them.  What I do have is a serious problem with my routine being messed up.  (Cause I am a toddler like that, I suppose.) 

I get sad because I don't know how to do my hair.  No one really ever taught me and I have this frizzy fine hair that just blows wherever it wants and it's not like I can just let it be.  If I end up doing something with it, it dang well better be absolutely perfect, or it is going to get ripped right back down and I'll just do it the way I always do.  

I'm sad because I wish my husband understood a few things about me.  I wish he knew I need to be supported sometimes.  He always comes off as if I am hassling him when I am sad or upset.  It's like he doesn't have time to listen to me.  Then, he'll end up sad too and I need to comfort him.  I love helping him and comforting him, but I want him to comfort me, too.  Isn't that how it is supposed to work?  I feel mean for saying this, but I feel like I get ripped off in the emotions department.  My feelings don't seem to count.
I know.  Boo-hoo, right?  Everyone's got problems.  

I've been so restless and unhappy this week.  The thought of going and doing things after work both spring with possibility and also seem to make me angry, for some reason.  I have a hard time making peace with myself.  I wonder if anyone else is like that.  Maybe it's just me.  I'm not sure. 

What are you really supposed to do when you're upset or mad?  I usually don't do anything, although I have to admit I'm more like my dad than I want to be.  I don't say anything, because if I did, it wouldn't make much sense... Honestly, when I'm mad at people I want to smack them, usually as hard as I possibly can.  So ladylike and polite.  Ugh.  Why did I have to be born with the natural mannerisms of a boorish oaf?  If it makes you feel any better, I've never actually smacked someone.  I would like to someday, though.  There are a lot of people who need a good smacking, right? 

The other day I was thinking about the whole 3 wishes with a genie in a bottle thing.  I thought maybe there would be a stipulation that you had to wish for unusual things.  I'm not exactly sure what all three wishes would be, but I know I'd like one of them to be that I'll never be tailgated again.  I want some sort of invisible force field around my car that literally makes it impossible to get too close.  That would be divine. 

I'm sad that I'll probably not really ever try anything new.  I know myself and how I work.  I'm too afraid and too stubborn to really get out there and try for something.  I don't like doing something new unless I know I will succeed.  I hate looking like a fool. I am prideful like that.

I have to laugh that I hate looking like a fool and then post a blog like this.  Oy vey.  I'm an idiot.

Anyway, enough ranting for one night. 

Please understand that my frustration level on just about everything is super high right now.  I'm just having a crappy week and I am tired and hurting and sad and feeling very alone and bitter. 

I won't feel like this forever.  I just have to get over it and realize that not everything in the world sucks. 

If you took the time to read this, a pat on the back to you.  Thanks for listening.  It's nice to know that someone took the time to do that.  I apologize if you now hate me. It's okay.  On nights like this, I don't like myself much, either.  lol 

Have a good day/evening, reader.  I hope that you are well and I pray that you are happy. 

Mandy